Professional clinical relationship and marriage counsellor, sex therapist, family life coach and matchmaker, Dr. Tolulope Oko-Igaire is well known for her talk show, ‘Intimate Talk With Tolu‘ which has touched millions of lives across the world.
The certified counsellor who loves helping people find answers to their questions in order to find lasting happiness in relationship and marriage says counseling for her is natural and a calling. In this interview, she talks about sex, orgasm and more.
For how long have you been in this profession?
Say 15 years now. I have been doing this for God knows, since when I have been in school. In the university, my friends were always like if they are fighting and they can’t solve it, they call me, ‘Tolu mama fight settler’. I have always been doing that. I have been a church girl all my life, but I realised that it affected me so much. It affected me so much that even if I see a man I cringe. Most women who are single, go and find out their religious background, you will discover that it is actually out of religion ignorance. When I go to churches, I speak to singles. I tell them, ‘you know a man likes you, you are doing holy-holy, the guy is smiling at you, you are suppressing your reciprocation, instead of you to smile back’. But, we were told to run far when we see a man. It was just God’s grace that saved me.
For counselling, you have to do lots of listening, how do you cope?
You must have the ability to listen. So,I have to listen because I am not a pastor, I am not a magician, I am not a prophet, rather, it is what you tell me that I will use to help you. At the end of the day you’ll have to talk and that is done by paying attention. That way, I’m able to pick the triggers from what you are saying, sometimes people have problem they don’t even know why they are feeling what they are feeling.
I heard your radio conversation on love making, can you minus sex from religion?
You know we like deceiving ourselves in Nigeria about sex. Psychologically, human beings are sexual beings. Everything about us is sex, all the body wants is how to gratify libido. Culture and environment demands could make you to suppress the sexual part of you but the truth remains that you are a sexual being and every desire of your mind at the back of your head even though you are suppressing it, is how to gratify your libido.
In counseling world, there is something called five phases of development including aura phase and anal phase. I can’t remember all the five, but there are five phases. The aura phase for example talks about development of the child between 0-18 months. What aura does is to feel satisfied, it is all about libido gratification. As a human being, your hormone and everything in your body is asking for sex. But, because you are sane, you have an environment you are living in, societal demands, you have to live like a normal person- voice of reasoning, which says you can’t afford to have sex all the time but to suppress that part. Therefore, religion wise, we are just deceiving ourselves, we are just hypocritical.
What do you say about oral sex generating controversy in churches especially?
I don’t know where it is written for them. That is the usual question in most churches that I visit. I do ask myself that, “if it is not bordering them, why are they so worried ?” Most of the time, when I go out to speak, I tell them to write their questions on paper without their names. By the time I open the questions, about 90% is are talking about blow jobs- oral sex. Reason is that 75-85% of women will not reach orgasm. so how will you enjoy sex if all a man can do is simply penetrate? And for penetration to even make a woman to reach orgasm, he must be able to hit the G-spot. Unfortunately, not many African men know that there is a G-spot and those who know, do not know the exact place.
Where is the G-spot if it is not the clitoris?
The G-spot is actually at the rooftop of the virginal inside the virginal. If you are arouse, it becomes spongy, rough but soft surface is just at that top. Therefore, if the penis can be hitting that spot during penetration, then you can achieve your orgasm even virginal orgasm, which is actually more explosive.
So what does orgasm do to the body and relationship?
Wow! Almighty orgasm! Orgasm does so much, it calms the nerves, cure headaches, cure body pains and so many other things to the body. There is one thing beautiful thing about orgasm- when you orgasm, there is a chemical release to your system, called love hormone that promotes bonding. It is a kind of hormone that is secreted from the breast milk to a child, now you see why a child is attached to the mother. so, having a fulfilling explosive orgasm based on love making will secretes love to your system and will actually promote bonding between you and your partner. If you see couples that are actually always smiling and not fighting, the love hormone from Orgasm is responsible. You know what? Sex is beautiful, it is enjoyable, it is deep, it is interesting, its everything.
What could be responsible for lost of spark in most couples’ sex lives?
It is over familiarity, yes after some time, the people get bored.
Erection is a disaster because when they get home the erection is saying no but when they go outside the erection is saying yes. Meanwhile, the wife will be saying her husband has problem. you will get bored but you should find a way to satisfy yourselves, spark it up. First, they should get a life, to save their marriage. If you don’t have a life, you are going to bore and choke your marriage because one person cannot fulfill your financial, emotional and physical needs. It doesn’t mean that you cheat, it means that you should have a life. If you cannot deal with the opposite sex, have friends of same sex. That is what men are doing and it making their lives to be livelier. While women are sad, depressed and dejected because it is always about their husband. You need to go out for a movie or go out for a drink. If you do not go with your husband, it should not drain of your emotions and that marriage or relationship.
Naturally, men are not wired to appreciate a woman who is always there for them. That is why they will tell you, don’t make your hair that way, don’t do your skirt like that but when they go out and see someone else with it, they love it, men are visual beings. If your passion for a course is strong enough, no man will tell you to seat there and you do. Your happiness will be attached to your passion, thereby, you are a happy wife. If the man wants a happy life, he will want a happy wife and a wife cannot be happy until her passion is fulfilled. I tell you that if your passion is strong enough, there will be no sex less marriage. Nigerians don’t know how to make love. When a woman is not enjoying sex, why would she look forward to it.
What about singles who are in the age bracket of 40s and above and the church doctrine on premarital sex. How should they fight guilt feelings?
Okay,let me just answer you, there is no way you will not feel guilty as long as you are in church because you know and I think the bible actually says that marriage is a bed undefiled. That is the point, if you really want to abide, you can’t have sex before marriage. But what I think is God ways is not our ways, I mean look at certain scenarios in the bible; look at the story of David let me use that as an example, took Uriah’s wife that was the greatest chance David had you will think ordinarily that should have been the end of him but that wasn’t. We most of the time interpret the word of God, force ourselves to do certain things that are not really practical. Like I said, we are sexual beings, how do you have hormones that are telling you to have sex, your body is speaking signs, there are times that all you want to do is have it and somebody is telling you not have it so how do you do it?
For a fact, the hormone that is responsible for sexual drive is about 25-40% higher in men than women. Men will desire sex more than women
What really motivated you into being a sex therapist ?
It is just natural in me! I have been counseling right from age 10. After doing many businesses, I felt there was a vacuum I was meant to fill, so I started searching online how to be a counselor and I noticed that most of in need of counselor mostly on sex. I run an institute- institute of counseling in Nigeria. When I started this counseling thing, I saw the way people are so hypocritical in churches especially. I saw the way churches are killing people and breaking homes/ marriages. They are teaching singles wrong things. When I talk, people were like ‘I have never heard of the word clinical counselor’. I just knew I don’t want to be a pastor, I don’t want to counsel people with bible, I want to counsel people base on truth and reality because I know these things and people are pretending too much and they are hurting themselves.